Back to the future!

The alarm on my cellphone rang it's annoying ring!

"God! Can they make any more annoying ringtones?", I thought as I stepped out of bed rubbing my eyes. I hadn't gotten much sleep and was irritated that I had to wake up. I tried to think of an excuse to stay in bed a little longer, but was too sleepy to do even that, so I made my way to the bathroom still half asleep.

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and tried to open my eyes wide to look at my reflection. Leftover mascara from the night before had left me looking like a raccoon. But the bathroom lights were disturbingly bright for a person as sleepy as me so I closed my eyes again as I turned on the faucet. I reached for the soap and started to lather it in my hands.
It was a new bar of soap. Creamy white with patches of peach. I had my eyes closed still and the fragrance of the soap wafted up with the warmth of the water. A comforting, familiar fragrance. I tried to recall the smell.

"The soap we always used at my parents' house!"

I shut my eyes tighter and I breathed in the scent with the longest, deepest breath I could muster.
It filled my senses and took me back to a distant past.
My eyes still shut tight, I imagined standing in my parents' bathroom.
I imagined the still running faucet was the faucet I grew up using. I washed a finger under the warm, comforting water, being careful not to wash off too much soap. Not just yet.
I imagined the bathroom mirror and it's exact position so high up that it I couldn't see my reflection below the chin.
I imagined the pink and white, flowery shower-curtain to my left, using all my willpower to block out the fact that my gold shower-curtain was on my right at that moment.
I imagined the dark brown door on my right and I imagined turning the golden knob and stepping out onto the rug outside the bathroom; a rug, worn but still comfy to step on.

I imagined walking further towards my room, passing my parents' bedroom on the way.

I peeked in and imagined seeing my dad, just back from prayer, collecting his files and folders from the shelf to finish off some work; work that never ended.

I imagined walking past my brother's closed bedroom door, the loud music blaring, almost making the door vibrate.

I imagined reaching my room, my sisters sitting inside, one sitting in front of a huge pile of papers and the other on my bed, looking bored and picking at her face as usual.

I imagined my mom calling me from the family room where she would be sitting in her favorite chair watching her favorite soap on tv, a cup of tea in her hand and the remotes in the other; my dad's cup waiting for him on the coffee table. I wanted to touch it, feel its warmth.

Just then the cold marble of the sink touching my hand startled me and I opened my eyes.
It brought me back.

Back to my bathroom, the shower curtain on my right and the door on my left.

Drowned

It had been three days since they had spent any time together, literally. It was amazing how they managed to do that living in the same house.

She missed him, missed laughing, having a conversation, sharing a bag of chips, watching a rubbish movie, doing things that a couple do together. She wasn't sure if it was him she missed, or just spending time with another human being, someone who wasn't either two years old or a person hidden behind a computer screen. She missed sharing her thoughts. She felt as if she had stopped having any, she had been keeping them to herself for too long, they had overflowed and were now just draining away from her mind, being wasted...

She was sulking, he was tired.

He made the effort to stay up the extra hour, she wondered why he did it. She would have thought it was because he genuinely wanted to spend time with her too, but he looked too exasperated for her to believe that. Maybe it was so he could have the satisfaction of knowing he had done his part. That was always important to him.

They were watching a movie but she found her mind drifting off, far away, like it did so often now. She had no idea what the movie was about, she didn't care.

"Let's gossip!", she said, a twinkle finding its way into her eye. She always said that when she wanted to know about how his day had went, who he met, and what they said. To anyone else, it would seem like the most boring thing to "gossip" about, how Arif bhai had borrowed yet another pen from him, or how the samosa waala had kept annoying him into buying those overly salted samosa's. She had heard the same stories over and over, but still listened to them with the same interest with which she heard them for the first time.

"There isn't anything interesting to gossip about", he said staring at the screen.

"Oh come on! There must be something, you are out of the house almost 12 hours a day, something must have happened!", she playfully tugged at his sleeve, urging him to say something, to talk to her.

After a few moments of slience, he still felt her anticipating eyes on him, so he said, "Yeah, a black car drove by the office today".

"Who was in it?", she asked, the twinkle in her eye getting "twinklier".

"A man, and it had four wheels too", he said in a bored tone, still staring at the screen.

She searched his eyes for the mischief that a person who is teasing somone has in theirs.

She didn't find it.

"I feel distant from you today", she added "today" because she didn't want to make him feel like it was always the case, eventhough it had been, for a long time now. She was afraid of annoying him, afraid he would resent her for saying it.

He let out an exasperated sigh, "What did I do?".

"Nothing".

"What do you mean nothing, there is reason behind everything, there is no such thing as nothing", he said, trying to give her a taste of her own medicine, trying to show her how annoying it was when she said these things. She wasn't annoyed at all.

"No, you didn't do anything, it's just how I felt, so I told you", forgetting in an instant why she was feeling the way she was. She was starting to doubt herself again. It was always the same, she was so afraid of upsetting him, that at moments like these she had no idea why she was complaining, she had nothing to say to him. It was amazing how her mind went completely blank each time, and how confused she began to feel.

"What do you want me to do? Put a chain around my neck and sit at your feet all day?".

"No, that's not what I meant", trying hard to put her thoughts into order, trying to think of something to say to defend herself.

But as usual, like every other time, she stayed silent while her mind was a chaotic, confused mess. She was trying to rationalize his annoyance. She was trying to tell herself that she was making a mountain of a molehill. It had become second nature to her, but tonight the tears came.

She buried her head in her lap and started crying inaudibly, she didn't want to annoy him anymore, like not hearing her would somehow hide the fact that she was sobbing incontrollably and he wouldn't know. Crying felt like meeting an old friend, it felt good. She imagined standing across the room and looking at herself, and at him. Even in her imagination, she did not look at his face, afraid to find spite.

He did not say anything and neither did she.

When she felt like she couldn't breathe, she lifted her face from her soaked jeans and went straight to bed, feeling sad, not for herself, but for the drowned twinkle in her eye.

Secret Admirer - Be Your Own!

You shouldn't need a man to be feel beautiful....

but it does help!

Blogstory

"Will there come a time when we'll lose touch?"

"We have lost touch before... a lot of times!"

"No, i mean completely... forever..."

"Yes, it's a distant possibility, Rimsha might come back to me, not that she will, but yes, there is a slight possibility."

"Hmmm...."

Why did he always have to be so practical?! And eventhough it was so unlike my pessimistic self, I didn't believe him for some reason... maybe I didn't want to... maybe he made me believe that she wouldn't come back to him...


2 weeks later:


We sat on the shore watching the sun set.


"Well atleast you can always read my blog to know where I am and what I am upto. How will I know? You should start a blog too."


My mind had drifted off by now and blogs were the last thing on my mind, I dug my hands into the sand and grabbed a fistful.


"Say something".


"There isnt anything left to say", I managed to reply trying my hardest to keep the sobs from coming.


He was silent.


The sand in my hand was slipping from between my fingers, and I knew trying to hold on to it tighter wouldn't do any good.

"I love you, I love you so much!", I said almost panicking, trying to cram in as much emotion as I could in those last few seconds.

"I have to go...". With that, he walked away, without a word, without looking back.

I wanted to stop him but I didn't. I watched the sea swallow the last rays of light instead.

That night i started this blog.

No, I didn't tell him about it, how could I? We had already said our forever good bye's. Do I even want to tell him? Honestly, I don't. But sometimes, I do wonder if he will ever stumble upon this blog and how it will make him feel.

I will never know and he will never tell me,

becuase forever is forever...