September 27, 2010

Drowned

It had been three days since they had spent any time together, literally. It was amazing how they managed to do that living in the same house.

She missed him, missed laughing, having a conversation, sharing a bag of chips, watching a rubbish movie, doing things that a couple do together. She wasn't sure if it was him she missed, or just spending time with another human being, someone who wasn't either two years old or a person hidden behind a computer screen. She missed sharing her thoughts. She felt as if she had stopped having any, she had been keeping them to herself for too long, they had overflowed and were now just draining away from her mind, being wasted...

She was sulking, he was tired.

He made the effort to stay up the extra hour, she wondered why he did it. She would have thought it was because he genuinely wanted to spend time with her too, but he looked too exasperated for her to believe that. Maybe it was so he could have the satisfaction of knowing he had done his part. That was always important to him.

They were watching a movie but she found her mind drifting off, far away, like it did so often now. She had no idea what the movie was about, she didn't care.

"Let's gossip!", she said, a twinkle finding its way into her eye. She always said that when she wanted to know about how his day had went, who he met, and what they said. To anyone else, it would seem like the most boring thing to "gossip" about, how Arif bhai had borrowed yet another pen from him, or how the samosa waala had kept annoying him into buying those overly salted samosa's. She had heard the same stories over and over, but still listened to them with the same interest with which she heard them for the first time.

"There isn't anything interesting to gossip about", he said staring at the screen.

"Oh come on! There must be something, you are out of the house almost 12 hours a day, something must have happened!", she playfully tugged at his sleeve, urging him to say something, to talk to her.

After a few moments of slience, he still felt her anticipating eyes on him, so he said, "Yeah, a black car drove by the office today".

"Who was in it?", she asked, the twinkle in her eye getting "twinklier".

"A man, and it had four wheels too", he said in a bored tone, still staring at the screen.

She searched his eyes for the mischief that a person who is teasing somone has in theirs.

She didn't find it.

"I feel distant from you today", she added "today" because she didn't want to make him feel like it was always the case, eventhough it had been, for a long time now. She was afraid of annoying him, afraid he would resent her for saying it.

He let out an exasperated sigh, "What did I do?".

"Nothing".

"What do you mean nothing, there is reason behind everything, there is no such thing as nothing", he said, trying to give her a taste of her own medicine, trying to show her how annoying it was when she said these things. She wasn't annoyed at all.

"No, you didn't do anything, it's just how I felt, so I told you", forgetting in an instant why she was feeling the way she was. She was starting to doubt herself again. It was always the same, she was so afraid of upsetting him, that at moments like these she had no idea why she was complaining, she had nothing to say to him. It was amazing how her mind went completely blank each time, and how confused she began to feel.

"What do you want me to do? Put a chain around my neck and sit at your feet all day?".

"No, that's not what I meant", trying hard to put her thoughts into order, trying to think of something to say to defend herself.

But as usual, like every other time, she stayed silent while her mind was a chaotic, confused mess. She was trying to rationalize his annoyance. She was trying to tell herself that she was making a mountain of a molehill. It had become second nature to her, but tonight the tears came.

She buried her head in her lap and started crying inaudibly, she didn't want to annoy him anymore, like not hearing her would somehow hide the fact that she was sobbing incontrollably and he wouldn't know. Crying felt like meeting an old friend, it felt good. She imagined standing across the room and looking at herself, and at him. Even in her imagination, she did not look at his face, afraid to find spite.

He did not say anything and neither did she.

When she felt like she couldn't breathe, she lifted her face from her soaked jeans and went straight to bed, feeling sad, not for herself, but for the drowned twinkle in her eye.



10 cared to share ♥:

Nadia said...

This is sad. And it's even sadder that this is a common scenario between so many couples; they are slowly drifting away.

MoOn said...

miscommunication, maybe each one is hurt inside..but doesn't reveal it and expect the other to understand..a sad scenario :(

Pepper said...

This is really sad...I most probably would be in the same position if we weren't on a mutual agreement to get separated soon.

shootingstar said...

Dont worry..everything will turn alright hopefully. :)

Alpha Za said...

sad, but really beautifully written.

Alpha Za said...

oh, btw, sometimes as men. We're just shitty communicators...that and we need some time to roast in our thoughts.

Reenie said...

Miscommunication... it can be such a devil at times...

Little Auntie said...

What a great piece. You captured the couple so well. I can see them!

Hey, would you like to share a story (which obviously implies 'advice') on my blog? I'd love it if you did. I think we can learn a lot from such stories <3

rose water said...

A little out of topic, sorry. I tagged you :) Take a look here: http://rosewater1.blogspot.com/2010/10/15-random-things-about-me.html

Take care sister!

Fruitful Fusion said...

Thanks for stopping over at mine! I love this piece. Not only is it so well written, it addresses an issue that is just too common!

 

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