I'm Sorry but I'm Not Rihanna, and I Don't Like the Way It Hurts!

"Stop the car, I want to get out right now!", I yelled as loud as I could.

The car screeched to a halt at the red light, he ignored me.

"Don't think i won't!"

"Fine then, get out!"

As I was unlocking the door, he said, "You don't have the guts".

"Oh yeah?"

I unlocked the door and I got out of the car. I could feel a billion eyes on me, gawking in surprize and anticipation. This was Saudi Arabia, women don't create scenes and they certainly don't storm out of the car in the middle of one of the busiest roads in the city, on a weekend night!

I got back into the car and slammed the door shut.

"I didn't think so", he said, I wanted to punch that smirk off his face.

"If I created a scene, you would go to jail for it, so maybe I should just do it!"

The traffic light turned green and he started driving.

We didn't say anything. I was glad the music was blaring as loud as it was, silence just makes it all worse. It gives people the chance to voice their thoughts, thoughts better left unspoken.

♫ ...Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
Well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts... ♫


Nothing seemed more idiotic, ironic, and senseless than those lyrics at that moment.

Say NO To Sunday Stealing!

However uninspired I may be, I will not resort to posting Meme's!

*No offence meant to anyone who does!*

Back to the future!

The alarm on my cellphone rang it's annoying ring!

"God! Can they make any more annoying ringtones?", I thought as I stepped out of bed rubbing my eyes. I hadn't gotten much sleep and was irritated that I had to wake up. I tried to think of an excuse to stay in bed a little longer, but was too sleepy to do even that, so I made my way to the bathroom still half asleep.

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and tried to open my eyes wide to look at my reflection. Leftover mascara from the night before had left me looking like a raccoon. But the bathroom lights were disturbingly bright for a person as sleepy as me so I closed my eyes again as I turned on the faucet. I reached for the soap and started to lather it in my hands.
It was a new bar of soap. Creamy white with patches of peach. I had my eyes closed still and the fragrance of the soap wafted up with the warmth of the water. A comforting, familiar fragrance. I tried to recall the smell.

"The soap we always used at my parents' house!"

I shut my eyes tighter and I breathed in the scent with the longest, deepest breath I could muster.
It filled my senses and took me back to a distant past.
My eyes still shut tight, I imagined standing in my parents' bathroom.
I imagined the still running faucet was the faucet I grew up using. I washed a finger under the warm, comforting water, being careful not to wash off too much soap. Not just yet.
I imagined the bathroom mirror and it's exact position so high up that it I couldn't see my reflection below the chin.
I imagined the pink and white, flowery shower-curtain to my left, using all my willpower to block out the fact that my gold shower-curtain was on my right at that moment.
I imagined the dark brown door on my right and I imagined turning the golden knob and stepping out onto the rug outside the bathroom; a rug, worn but still comfy to step on.

I imagined walking further towards my room, passing my parents' bedroom on the way.

I peeked in and imagined seeing my dad, just back from prayer, collecting his files and folders from the shelf to finish off some work; work that never ended.

I imagined walking past my brother's closed bedroom door, the loud music blaring, almost making the door vibrate.

I imagined reaching my room, my sisters sitting inside, one sitting in front of a huge pile of papers and the other on my bed, looking bored and picking at her face as usual.

I imagined my mom calling me from the family room where she would be sitting in her favorite chair watching her favorite soap on tv, a cup of tea in her hand and the remotes in the other; my dad's cup waiting for him on the coffee table. I wanted to touch it, feel its warmth.

Just then the cold marble of the sink touching my hand startled me and I opened my eyes.
It brought me back.

Back to my bathroom, the shower curtain on my right and the door on my left.

Drowned

It had been three days since they had spent any time together, literally. It was amazing how they managed to do that living in the same house.

She missed him, missed laughing, having a conversation, sharing a bag of chips, watching a rubbish movie, doing things that a couple do together. She wasn't sure if it was him she missed, or just spending time with another human being, someone who wasn't either two years old or a person hidden behind a computer screen. She missed sharing her thoughts. She felt as if she had stopped having any, she had been keeping them to herself for too long, they had overflowed and were now just draining away from her mind, being wasted...

She was sulking, he was tired.

He made the effort to stay up the extra hour, she wondered why he did it. She would have thought it was because he genuinely wanted to spend time with her too, but he looked too exasperated for her to believe that. Maybe it was so he could have the satisfaction of knowing he had done his part. That was always important to him.

They were watching a movie but she found her mind drifting off, far away, like it did so often now. She had no idea what the movie was about, she didn't care.

"Let's gossip!", she said, a twinkle finding its way into her eye. She always said that when she wanted to know about how his day had went, who he met, and what they said. To anyone else, it would seem like the most boring thing to "gossip" about, how Arif bhai had borrowed yet another pen from him, or how the samosa waala had kept annoying him into buying those overly salted samosa's. She had heard the same stories over and over, but still listened to them with the same interest with which she heard them for the first time.

"There isn't anything interesting to gossip about", he said staring at the screen.

"Oh come on! There must be something, you are out of the house almost 12 hours a day, something must have happened!", she playfully tugged at his sleeve, urging him to say something, to talk to her.

After a few moments of slience, he still felt her anticipating eyes on him, so he said, "Yeah, a black car drove by the office today".

"Who was in it?", she asked, the twinkle in her eye getting "twinklier".

"A man, and it had four wheels too", he said in a bored tone, still staring at the screen.

She searched his eyes for the mischief that a person who is teasing somone has in theirs.

She didn't find it.

"I feel distant from you today", she added "today" because she didn't want to make him feel like it was always the case, eventhough it had been, for a long time now. She was afraid of annoying him, afraid he would resent her for saying it.

He let out an exasperated sigh, "What did I do?".

"Nothing".

"What do you mean nothing, there is reason behind everything, there is no such thing as nothing", he said, trying to give her a taste of her own medicine, trying to show her how annoying it was when she said these things. She wasn't annoyed at all.

"No, you didn't do anything, it's just how I felt, so I told you", forgetting in an instant why she was feeling the way she was. She was starting to doubt herself again. It was always the same, she was so afraid of upsetting him, that at moments like these she had no idea why she was complaining, she had nothing to say to him. It was amazing how her mind went completely blank each time, and how confused she began to feel.

"What do you want me to do? Put a chain around my neck and sit at your feet all day?".

"No, that's not what I meant", trying hard to put her thoughts into order, trying to think of something to say to defend herself.

But as usual, like every other time, she stayed silent while her mind was a chaotic, confused mess. She was trying to rationalize his annoyance. She was trying to tell herself that she was making a mountain of a molehill. It had become second nature to her, but tonight the tears came.

She buried her head in her lap and started crying inaudibly, she didn't want to annoy him anymore, like not hearing her would somehow hide the fact that she was sobbing incontrollably and he wouldn't know. Crying felt like meeting an old friend, it felt good. She imagined standing across the room and looking at herself, and at him. Even in her imagination, she did not look at his face, afraid to find spite.

He did not say anything and neither did she.

When she felt like she couldn't breathe, she lifted her face from her soaked jeans and went straight to bed, feeling sad, not for herself, but for the drowned twinkle in her eye.

Secret Admirer - Be Your Own!

You shouldn't need a man to be feel beautiful....

but it does help!

Blogstory

"Will there come a time when we'll lose touch?"

"We have lost touch before... a lot of times!"

"No, i mean completely... forever..."

"Yes, it's a distant possibility, Rimsha might come back to me, not that she will, but yes, there is a slight possibility."

"Hmmm...."

Why did he always have to be so practical?! And eventhough it was so unlike my pessimistic self, I didn't believe him for some reason... maybe I didn't want to... maybe he made me believe that she wouldn't come back to him...


2 weeks later:


We sat on the shore watching the sun set.


"Well atleast you can always read my blog to know where I am and what I am upto. How will I know? You should start a blog too."


My mind had drifted off by now and blogs were the last thing on my mind, I dug my hands into the sand and grabbed a fistful.


"Say something".


"There isnt anything left to say", I managed to reply trying my hardest to keep the sobs from coming.


He was silent.


The sand in my hand was slipping from between my fingers, and I knew trying to hold on to it tighter wouldn't do any good.

"I love you, I love you so much!", I said almost panicking, trying to cram in as much emotion as I could in those last few seconds.

"I have to go...". With that, he walked away, without a word, without looking back.

I wanted to stop him but I didn't. I watched the sea swallow the last rays of light instead.

That night i started this blog.

No, I didn't tell him about it, how could I? We had already said our forever good bye's. Do I even want to tell him? Honestly, I don't. But sometimes, I do wonder if he will ever stumble upon this blog and how it will make him feel.

I will never know and he will never tell me,

becuase forever is forever...

Hello, I Am Falaxy and This is My Elephant.

I walked in reluctantly, accompanied by that huge elephant that had conveniently decided to show up just in time for the family gathering...

"Why me?!", I thought, angry and irritated that I had no choice but to bring it with me.

As always, it showed up at the perfect time, the day my inlaws threw that huge party, and a week before Eid! 

"I know it'll still be here on eid, and if it isn't, they'll be able to tell it was here not that long ago."

I knew I couldnt hide it so I walked in with it, hoping no one would notice it, but that was asking for too much.

"Someone will say something as soon as I walk in," I thought, "No, EVERYONE will say something..."

I looked around to see if anyone was staring at it.

Baaji was busy talking to my husband in that hushed tone that always annoys me.

"She better not be discussing me again!".

Bhai jaan was keeping Ahmed away from the iftaar table, and Maya and Reem were busy acting "busy".

"Trying to act like they've been slaving all day... yes, we can tell from your perfectly primped selves!"

Everyone else was sitting waiting for the call to Maghreb prayer to break their fast.

No, didnt seem like anyone was staring... I walked further into the room, there was no turning back now!

"Maybe I should have pretended to be sick"...

I bet they will notice but wont say anything. Like a true elephant in the room, everyone knows it's there but they will ignore it, not because they are nice but they're afraid it might somehow leave me and end up with them!

If only that were possible, I'd give it to Reem for sure, or Maya, she never liked me.

"Hmmm... maybe both!"

I willed with all my might for it to disappear and appear elsewhere.... anywhere!

I stopped to check if it was still there... ofcourse it was!

"Oh Falaxy, you're here! Have a seat, it's almost time for Maghreb!", someone said, I was too distracted to notice who it was. I had to pick someone blind to sit next to. Unfortunately there weren't any blind people present on the occasion.

So, my Elephant and I sat next to bhabi, she was the nicest person in that room, she won't say anything.

"I'm relatively safe..."

I soon realized she was also the most blunt and straightforward,

"Uh-oh, wrong choice..."

She'd point it out and then the whole room would turn to look at it! I started to feel panicky...

Maybe it'd be better if I just say it myself and got it over with...

"What perfect timing zits have, bhabi! Just in time for the big family iftaar party!", I blurted.

"What zit?", she squinted her eyes trying to locate it on my face.

"This huge thing on my cheek", I said discreetly, making sure no one else was looking, "It's the size if an elephant!", I was annoyed that she wasn't making a big deal of my elephant, err, i mean zit.

"Oh, that....", she said looking at it, "Did you put toothpaste on it?", She turned back to her guests, the least bit interested!

I touched my cheek to see if it had magically shrunk in the last two minutes...

Nope! On the contrary, I could've sworn it had gotten bigger!

I decided bhabi needed glasses and made it through the rest of the party without worrying as much... even if I did look insane with half my hair falling on my face the entire time.

Well, EXCUSE ME for Caring!

"Why do you have to leave now?"

"I have to work, why else!"

"You can go in a little late today... pleaassseeeee!!"

"No, I can't, have to see a client around noon."

"Well then go around 11, it'll give you plenty of time and you can get some rest."

*annoyed glance in my direction*

"10? "

"Look, I don't know the exact time she'll show up, what if she arrives at 10 and I'm not there?"

"Ask her then?"

*silence*

"You havent't slept all..."

"What the hell is your problem? What do you have against me and work? Why don't you understand this is serious, it's not a joke, this is real life! It's not a game that I only play when I feel like it, this is how I earn a living, how I put food on the table!"

"I just thought..."

"No, do me a favor and don't think!"

"Forget it... do what you want..."

And as he walked away I added,

"By the way, my problem is that I love you."

Eazie Peazie

When you are too tired

 To even think about what to make for dinner,

Make 'reservations'!

Who Said Life Would Be Fair?

... If too much of a good thing is bad,

Why isn't too much of a bad thing, good? ...

Hmph!

The Devil Wears Prada and Eats Chocolate for Breakfast!

Having the usual 9:30 p.m. munchies, I opened my fridge today and spotted the beautiful, fuchsia and gold, box of chocolates sitting all pretty and innocent on the top shelf. The lid all done up in a big, chiffon bow, lying elegantly beside the box, leaving it half open, showing just enough of its enticing contents. It looked coy almost... inviting... I could have sworn it said "eat me"!

I reached for the lid...

"Naah, I shouldn't", I thought and quickly put it back on the box, not leaving it half open this time.

"One wouldn't hurt", said the box.

I picked it up and was about to lift the lid when I thought,"Yeah right, like I'll eat one!".

I shoved the box behind the bread where I wouldn't be able to see it and switched my gaze, and interest towards the vegetable basket.

"Hmmmm, carrots..."

Yep, I ate 'em all!

And I am not talking about the carrots!

Pointing Finger, Point At Thyself!

....Why Practice, when it is so much more convenient to Preach?....

Where do I know her from?

I was browsing the shoe section, lusting again after those ridiculously high gladiator heels, debating whether I should finally buy them or wait till they would go on sale. Gorgeous as they were, I did not need another pair of heels I would never wear.

That's when I saw her, rushing past me in an uneasy state of panic almost, telling her son to stop grabbing things in an agitated, audible whisper. She was taking large, hurried steps, looking behind herself again and again, which is why she probably didn't notice me. I looked to see if one of those perverts who hang about at women's department stores was following her, but didn't see anyone. Maybe he got scared that she would make a complaint when he saw how panicky she had gotten and left. I realized I was staring at her and looked away.

Where had I seen her son? He couldn't be older than three and had pretty, hazel-ish eyes. I knew that eventhough i hadn't looked at them, because I was sure I had seen them before! I strained so hard to remember that i forgot all about the heels. I was annoyed that I still couldn't remember. I considered going upto her to refresh my memory and to tell her that she should tell security if someone was trying to harass her, but I got distracted by an unusual looking, purple candle. "Perfect for that empty spot on my dresser", I thought, as I decided that she was probably rushing because her husband was waiting impatiently in his car outside. Maybe I was thinking like a drama queen again, so without giving it a second thought, I continued my shopping spree at the Home Decor department.

A half an hour later, we had paid for our purchases and were just about to leave the store when it happened, the loud and obnoxious, almost siren-like, rapid beep beep beep beep beep....
Everyone looked towards the store's large, glass doors, there she was again, it was her bag that had triggered the sound. The store employees should really be more thorough in removing those metal thingamajigs from their customer's purchases! I felt annoyed on her behalf and wondered why she hadn't left as yet, especially since she had been in such a rush thirty minutes ago. Her husband must be fuming by now!

I turned my gaze towards her. She had an almost forced, surprised look on her face, and in what seemed like an impulse, instead of handing over that skimpy looking plastic shopping bag to the security guard, she shoved her purse infront of him! At that moment, I knew she had been shop-lifting, and so did the security guard.

"Maybe it's something metal, maybe it's something metal", she kept repeating, trying to hide her embarassment and panic. The security guard was now calling for the store manager on the intercom.

"What do you want to have for dinner? Mexican or Lebanese?", asked my husband as we walked out of the store.
"Hmm, what?", I asked, trying to pay attention to what he was saying.

I clutched the shopping bag holding the unusual looking, purple candle a little tighter, as I took a last look back at her, feeling relieved we hadn't recognized each other and that I hadn't gone upto her before, and saved her the extra embarassment!

Time to Detach

Some people are like a snagged nail... sure, it used to be a part of you, but who wants to keep a potentially painful, jagged bit of uselessness?

You don't love me...

"Do you really think I dont love you? Don't I care about you?"

"You do... But you do it because you have to! What does that have to do with love? You care about everyone else too, it's your nature..."

"I care most about you", he said, looking wounded...

I didn't say anything, because I believed him, because it was true.

My Sweet Prison

I, sometimes, feel like my life is a slightly claustrophobic box made of honeycomb candy... I can easily shatter it if i want... and that will leave me being, not only FREE, but also sitting in a HUGE MESS!

Love Letter Goodbye's

From: Falaxy
Date: Sat, Jul 10, 2010 at 3:01 PM
Subject: i love u, forever
To: Vicky


i thought i would be ok now, but the tears have come back tonight...
i'm not telling you because i want you to sympathize with me.... crying will make me deal with this better (plus, i also cannot stop these damn tears), you said u dont want me to cry... but u dont have to say that... i dont expect u to say anything....
what's wrong with crying anyway? thats something i have yet to understand, i really dont get it, its just an expression of emotion like any other... it may not make the world a happier place like smiling, but it causes no harm like expression of anger either... right? but why am i discussing crying?
dont worry about me, if you are, i may look like a harmless fuffly hippo, (yes, i deliberately wrote 'fuffly'-inside joke) but i'm tough! ... then why is this is so difficult?

the problem is i see you everywhere and in everything...
especially when facebook suggests that i add shahid khan as a friend! :p
whenever i so much as pass by my livingroom, i see you, i see "us" (was there ever an "us"?)... talking, laughing, sharing silence while your head rests in my lap...
when i am on my bed, it reminds me of our closeness, both physical and emotional... thank you for those magical moments... i will cherish them forever...
when i look out the window, i wont see you walking towards me.... the last time you were here i was secretly watching you from the window, you "casually" looked up at my window, it made me smile : )
whenever i make daal chawal, i will think of you... havent been able to make it since i made it for you...
whenever i cant reach that purple bowl high up on my kitchen shelf.... i will wish i could call you again to get it for me...
whenever i get a text message on my cellphone, i will secretly always wish that its from you...
there are so many things... kaar-e-foor, internet slang at its best (read "worst"), addu teddy, telegu songs, even persil abaya shampoo and the science behind it!
i wonder if you will also ever think of me once in a while....
i will, very often...
Thank you, for the memories, for the laughs, for coming to Paris just to be with me, it made me feel special... thank you for everything...

i probably wont send you this email... maybe on the 9th...
i cant talk to u right now, so i'm writing this pointless email... did i have a point? i forget...
my thoughts are all jumbled up right now... and these damn tears arent making it any easier...

lol, isnt it ironic that after all these years, the only chance we had to really be together was when its time for it all to end? maybe thats a good thing... if this had happened before i had Michelle, i might have contemplated doing some pretty stupid things, not that i havent thought about it these past couple of months, but i would have had the courage to actually go through with it then!

i cant believe you will not be a part of my life anymore, actually thats not true, you are and always will be an important part of my life... but you know what i mean...
even between the long silences where we didnt text or email each other for months, i always had this comfort in knowing that i can reach you somehow when i wanted to... and that you will reply...
that comfort will be gone, and its leaving behind a void in me that will always be there...

pls dont get me wrong, i want you to be happy, and i am happy for you too, all this crying makes me feel like i am being selfish, i hope you dont think i am... because i am really not...

like you said, its not easy to lose someone you love,

and i love you Vicky,

forever...

P.S. Sorry about the lens cover! i guess u'll never know if i ever find it...

.........................................................

From: Vicky
Date: Sat, Jul 10, 2010 at 3:15 PM
Subject: Re: i love u, forever
To: Falaxy


it makes me wanna cry. its unfortunate that i have to let go of someone who loves me so unselfishly.
who always thought that i was not in love with her and still loved me whole-heartedly.
daal chawal will never taste the same and it will be difficult to get pizza home delivered.
i wish i could have a baby with you but it doesnt mean that i dont think of Michelle as my own. There is an unbelievable bonding which is very obvious.
Being with you, however brief it was, will always be the best memory of my life.
Its unfortunate that i cant even keep this mail with me to read it again and again.
you take care of yourself falaxy... fuffly hippo... januuzzzzz or whatever your name is. even if your name was nouna nun i would still be so crazy about you.
you were in a hurry to get married. as i said earlier too, this time i was a little late. Next time i will come before him and then i will see how you marry him.
falaxy... i love you.

.........................................................

(Names and Details changed to protect privacy)